From The Mind Of Jay

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I doubt you’ll even read this but I need to write it somewhere cause not saying it is killing me. I miss you. I miss talking to you, not talking to you or having you in my life is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I just want to call you up and hear about your day, every boring mundane detail. I want to know how you’re doing. I want you in my life. Losing someone has never hurt this much ever before. If by some slim chance you see this, I hope you’re ok and I’m sorry I fucked it all up. God I wish I could change things and make you stay. I will love you til I’m old and grey, if I make it that far. That’s all I have, that’s all I am. I’m sorry.

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You won’t talk to me but you’ll tell one of my friends to look out for me and make sure I’m happy, how is that fair?

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When the songs I wrote one, two and even three years ago begin to make a new kind of sense to me, it’s very strange. Songs I wrote at random times now contain lyrics that relate to right now. It’s an annoying habit I’ve always had where the songs I wrote years ago suddenly seem like they were written for right now. Today is the first time I’ve seen my oldest friends and it was nice, there was comfort in the stupid jokes and the randomness. I still see your face everywhere, in strangers, in pretty much everyone. It’s a habit I need to break. I think about you constantly but I don’t think you think about me anymore. I guess I deserve that. To quote a song I wrote myself called lost songs, I’m sorry for all the things I did completely wrong. I really am sorry. Be happy, kid.

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I wish I didn’t miss you so much. I wish that the smiles I’m faking were real.

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Realising things because you finally wrote them down is shitty. I’m lower than I’ve ever been. I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel just endless darkness. I want to get better. I want to feel something other than this.