This may well be the most honest thing I ever write. I’ve spent nearly two decades terrified of being abandoned. Afraid of the people I love leaving me. Everyone I let in leaves. I’m forever an eight year old boy begging his father to stay. He walked away even though I asked him not to and I finally realised tonight that I need to tell him how fucked up he left me. He was my hero, my design for god and he walked away even though I begged him to stay. I am not him but I am terrified of being him. I have found myself seeking the feeling of being wanted by anyone who’d make me feel like they cared if only for a fleeting moment. In the past I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, I’ve stolen, all to feel something but the nagging self doubt that I am destined to follow in his foot steps but I couldn’t do that now. This is not me feeling sorry for myself, this is me admitting for the first time ever that some part feels as though I have to become him. Why? Because I’ve always been told the son becomes the father. I don’t want to be like him, I have accidentally wound up following into his choice of career and deep in my conscience with every shift I work or every time I say I am a chef I feel as though I’m falling into a black hole I cannot escape. Perhaps if I tell him the damage he has done I can stop this self destructive mess I have become. He’s the root of all my anxiety and depression. He is the real reason I have been so sad over break ups of relationships and the loss of friendships and why I don’t trust people or why I fear the people I love will leave me. I found the one person who made me forget these feelings. When I’m around her she makes me believe I am not my fears but I am stronger and capable of fighting this and becoming a better man. I want to grow up. I no longer want to be Peter Pan, I’m not an eight year old trapped in a twenty seven year olds body, I’m a twenty seven year old who has spent too long burying his head in the sand and running away from responsibility and the real world. The truth is I want the responsibility and the real world, I want to walk tall with my head held high and say I am my own man, I do not have to become my father. Abandonment issues plague me at this time of night, I don’t sleep because I think about all the people who I love that could leave me, be it my friends, my family, my brother, my girlfriend or my mum. I need those people in my life because they believe in me in a way I never believed in myself. My mum said this week she couldn’t help me if I did not help myself. I need to help myself, I need to be a man. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. I need to find the hour and be the man. Time doesn’t wait for anyone and I cannot change the past or rectify the mistakes I have made and the bad choices I have made. All I can do now is become who I’m really meant to be. I can only do this, no one can do it for me but I need people to stand by me and help and tell me I’m making the right choices and that I am becoming a better man. Time to man up. Now I shall try and sleep wearing a girl whose on the other side of the worlds hoodie and think happy thoughts and dream of a future where I prove myself wrong. I’m finally ready to fight. I want to grow up but more importantly I want to live, I want to be loved, I want to make people happy and proud and be successful at whatever I do. It’s taken a long time to finally admit to myself the fear I really feel. I’m not afraid of living anymore, I’ll still make mistakes, i’ll still make a few bad choices, that’s life though, the only difference is this time i’ll learn from them. This time I will be me. If you read this know one thing, the thought of you saying yes in that coffee shop one cold Sunday in December is the catalyst for these positive thoughts. Sometimes you need to see yourself the way someone else does in order to forget the negative way you see yourself. That is love, not valentines cards or cheap keep sakes and souvenirs, the ability to help someone even if you didn’t realise you were helping. I will forgive my father. I will always be angry for what happened but he gave me life and its time I started to live it, it’s time as I said to man up. The worlds got one too many messes up kids in it, it doesn’t need this one anymore, the world and I need me to pull myself together and finally be the best me I can be. I am alive and I want to live. Thank you. That’s all I have to say. Wish me luck. This isn’t going to be easy but I don’t want it to be. I’m ready to be a real man. I’m ready to be me.

It’s taken me the longest time to feel this way. I finally want to live. To fight. To survive. To change. To prove I’m not just a waste of oxygen. Depression is a terrible thing and I still have it but I’ve finally accepted the reality of being me and that I can’t control everything or possibly anything but I can change things. I can be someone. Maybe that’s taken years. I’m not perfect, I’m not fixed, I still don’t know the answers to every question plaguing me. I still don’t know what happens next but I’m no longer afraid of that. This is my life and I can make it better. Whether you come along for the ride or not is up to you. All I know is that I know who I want to share this journey with. I’m here with my hand held out in front of me asking you to take it cause I’m strong enough now to take on anything. To live, to live would be a great adventure. Peter Pan. He said that it Hook and I finally believe it. I finally believe in me.

Someone once said you have to let love be free, if it’s true it will come back to you. I’ve spent weeks pondering the truth in this, as everyday you’re gone it gets harder but I have to believe you’ll come back. I doubt you’ll even read this but I will wait for you. I’ve tried to tell myself it will be ok and that this will just be a moment I one day remember with a smile and a laugh. Life’s a series of trials or so I’m led to believe and some things there worth fighting for and worth waiting for. What tomorrow brings or next week or next month I don’t know but I sure do know how I feel and how it isn’t changing any time soon. You might not miss me or think of me that often but that’s fine because you’re out there chasing a dream and living your life, something I’ve never truly done and I’m proud of you. So Lucy it’s simple really I love you and sometimes that’s all you need to help you carry on. It’s all I need right now. Til your back ill spend my time laughing with my friends, trying to find stories to tell you when you return. I know the world doesn’t wait for anyone but I’m not the world and I will wait for you.